So how do you respond to someone who apparently doesn't think anything of you more than perhaps a beetle? Or maybe a little higher, but you get the point.
What do you do? Tonight has ended with me feeling how do I even exist for being such an asshole. I'll agree with flaws presented to me (perhaps dangerous to say; I might not agree if I don't feel that such an accusation is true). However, chances are, I know that I qualify for whatever negative quality I am accused of because I analyze myself on a daily basis.
I'm just not sure what to do.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
The Joys of Music
So, I was working today and had this idea. I hate my job, as most of you know, but since the world requires me to pay bills or be homeless/hungry/etc. I put up with it. Hopefully, it will only be until I graduate in May/once I find a job.
Anyways, to my idea. I was listening to my iPod and since I like to share parts of my life with all of you, I am going to shuffle my iPod and share the first five songs that I feel like sharing. I don't want it to be the first five because I have music on there that I never listen to, but I will try to be a little objective.
So here goes:
1: The Crane Wife 3 performed by The Decemberists
I love that this is my first song (I only skipped 2, one being an old Linkin Park song and the other a song from Rent that I don't really like). I love The Decemberists. They are great. If you haven't heard them, listen. I can suggest some for you too. In fact, Castaways and Cutouts, Picaresque, The Crane Wife, and The Hazards of Love are all great albums. Check them out.
2: Girl Anachronism performed by The Dresden Dolls
I had to skip one because it was another Decemberists song. (We Both Go Down Together. Great. Listen.) This song is great though, too. :)
3: Work It Out performed by Jurassic 5
(No skipping!)
4: Good Morning Baltimore performed by Nikki Blonsky (from Hairspray)
So I had far too many skips, and I feel like a musical number should be on here, so here it is.
5: Silence performed by Delerium ft. Sarah McLachlan
And finally, after more skips, I come to this song. I feel like it's not very well known. I like it a lot.
AND I'm really happy that the music video is Final Fantasy 8 themed. Because I love RPG's and the Final Fantasy series. I just replayed 8 over the summer. Beat it without a gameshark for the first time. Crazy I know, but I was young and felt that things were too difficult. Silly me.
So that's that. I'll probably do this again some time. But it seems to be an easy, quick way to get a post up and I'm satisfied.
Anyways, to my idea. I was listening to my iPod and since I like to share parts of my life with all of you, I am going to shuffle my iPod and share the first five songs that I feel like sharing. I don't want it to be the first five because I have music on there that I never listen to, but I will try to be a little objective.
So here goes:
1: The Crane Wife 3 performed by The Decemberists
I love that this is my first song (I only skipped 2, one being an old Linkin Park song and the other a song from Rent that I don't really like). I love The Decemberists. They are great. If you haven't heard them, listen. I can suggest some for you too. In fact, Castaways and Cutouts, Picaresque, The Crane Wife, and The Hazards of Love are all great albums. Check them out.
2: Girl Anachronism performed by The Dresden Dolls
I had to skip one because it was another Decemberists song. (We Both Go Down Together. Great. Listen.) This song is great though, too. :)
3: Work It Out performed by Jurassic 5
(No skipping!)
4: Good Morning Baltimore performed by Nikki Blonsky (from Hairspray)
So I had far too many skips, and I feel like a musical number should be on here, so here it is.
5: Silence performed by Delerium ft. Sarah McLachlan
And finally, after more skips, I come to this song. I feel like it's not very well known. I like it a lot.
AND I'm really happy that the music video is Final Fantasy 8 themed. Because I love RPG's and the Final Fantasy series. I just replayed 8 over the summer. Beat it without a gameshark for the first time. Crazy I know, but I was young and felt that things were too difficult. Silly me.
So that's that. I'll probably do this again some time. But it seems to be an easy, quick way to get a post up and I'm satisfied.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Needing Advice
Hello all. As the title of this blog states, I am hoping for connection. Now I don't know that I have ever really thought about what that means. Events of this past weekend have left me feeling empty and the phrase "hoping for connection" really seems to be resonating with me.
I am not the type of person that makes friends very easily. I'm not really sure why this is although I have spent plenty of time theorizing about it. I've gone from just believe myself an antisocial git to the other end of the spectrum thinking myself to be too pretentious to get along with most people. Here are my latest thoughts: I've been telling my friends that I've decided I just don't like people. Which isn't entirely true. Let me rephrase. I don't like most people. If we are to become friends, you have to have that certain something that seems to call out to me. With most people, I am generally very shy. I don't know how to converse with people in a normal setting without feeling extremely awkward, even though I may not show it. In fact, in most cases, I am spending most of the conversation trying to bring things to a close and escape the interaction. In a way, it's like an extreme case of "stranger danger," except it extends to anyone that I am not completely comfortable with.
I wonder why I can't be comfortable around people. Couldn't tell you.
The point is that I don't have very many friends. And of the friends I have managed to make, it have failed to retain a great many of them. Oh, we still consider ourselves to be friends (or at least I do), but we never see each other. We never call up each other to chat. We never make plans to hang out. It's as though we have been demoted back to simple acquaintances.
So anyways, I have maybe 10 people that I actually get together with to spend time with on a regular basis. There are a few people that I do not see on a regular basis, but we are still able to get together and reconnect as though it hasn't been forever and a day. (Brief shout out to these folks. I assume you know who you are. I appreciate you.) However, there are about 10 folks that I will actually try to get in touch with to hang out on any given occasion.
Now I feel like I am losing one of the most important of those people. I broke it off this Sunday and we haven't spoke since. I know it's only been two days, but when someone has been part of your life every single day for the past three and a half years, the prospect of a more permanent separation is terribly frightening. My problem is...do I give in to my constant urges to get in touch and try to make amends (even though from what I've been told I said Sunday night, I'm not sure I'd even be given the time of day), or do I tough it out?
And all the babble about a shortage of friends above is really not the root of this issue. I fear it is much deeper. I fear that I am incapable of loving, receiving love, or both. And because of this, I may be driving away something great. Something that everyone looks for. We had our hard times, but is it possible to work through things? Or are there some situations that just can't be fixed? Do commonalities need to exist on a material level for longterm coexistence? Is it possible for two people who ask if they have anything in common to still remain happy together?
And as I ask these questions, I feel absolutely stupid for them. Because we wouldn't have gotten this far with nothing in common. Which leads me back to thinking I am just incapable of love, etc. Which would also probably shed light on some promiscuity problems that I struggle with.
Sometimes, I think that I am searching for the wrong type of connection. Like maybe I'm trying to fill a void with something physical even though the void is itself mental.
Everything used to be great. Where did it go sour?
Was it the extended separation of four months? Was it getting used to having no one that has made it impossible for me to regain the emotional attachment that used to be there?
An interesting thought has just occurred to me, and it connects well with my initial discussion on friendship.
As most of you know, I moved around a lot as a child. I had attended 10 different schools from kindergarten to the end of high school. I've often thought about the connection of the constant flux of my childhood with my lack of skill in the friendship/relationship department.
I had a discussion with a friend of mine who had a similar situation and where I became extremely introverted, she became extremely extroverted.
Anyways, I did well enough making at least a friend or two in each of these schools and different neighborhoods, but eventually we always left. I had to say goodbye and detach myself from everything I knew and start fresh somewhere new.
People always talk about how they miss me when I have an extended absence, and I always feel obligated to respond in kind. Most of the time, I don't mean it. This sounds harsh, but it is not meant to be. I believe that my childhood has taught/conditioned me to have an apathetic response to departures and separations. Perhaps apathetic is the wrong word...I have learned how to get by when I have no one. I may not be very happy about it, but I can do it. (I know that if I don't try to mend my current situation, I will be okay eventually.) I have gotten used to people leaving, bottom line. My normal response to people leaving is to not dwell on their absence (which would inspire feelings of loneliness, in turn creating a feeling of "missing" that person) and to figure out how best to go about my life without them. It is almost as though I am preparing myself to never see them again.
Maybe this is why a four month separation could cause a fundamental change in my feelings about a person to the point that I am no longer satisfied. And if that is the case, aren't I making the wrong decision?
Or is something else wrong with me? Some equally effective "disability" that is keeping me from being happy? Is it a fear of abandonment? That would make a lot of sense. I'm afraid to let anyone too close, so that when they eventually do leave me, I will able to use my same strategy for dealing with loss.
And is it linked to the numbness I feel at inappropriate times. (e.g. my dad's situation and the following apathy on my part to the whole situation)
I really wanted this post to help (and hopefully unloading here has done enough to allow me to get to sleep).
I need to be getting to/attempt to sleep now. I have class in seven hours.
Thanks for being here for me. Thanks for giving me this space to think. Maybe my answers will come to me in my sleep. They say that if you are thinking of a problem before sleep, your unconscious can help you work through the problem and even assist in finding a solution through the use of dreams.
We shall see.
(I don't really want to put a "slice of life" in right now, but maybe I'll come back and edit in something. Or just give two on my next post.)
I am not the type of person that makes friends very easily. I'm not really sure why this is although I have spent plenty of time theorizing about it. I've gone from just believe myself an antisocial git to the other end of the spectrum thinking myself to be too pretentious to get along with most people. Here are my latest thoughts: I've been telling my friends that I've decided I just don't like people. Which isn't entirely true. Let me rephrase. I don't like most people. If we are to become friends, you have to have that certain something that seems to call out to me. With most people, I am generally very shy. I don't know how to converse with people in a normal setting without feeling extremely awkward, even though I may not show it. In fact, in most cases, I am spending most of the conversation trying to bring things to a close and escape the interaction. In a way, it's like an extreme case of "stranger danger," except it extends to anyone that I am not completely comfortable with.
I wonder why I can't be comfortable around people. Couldn't tell you.
The point is that I don't have very many friends. And of the friends I have managed to make, it have failed to retain a great many of them. Oh, we still consider ourselves to be friends (or at least I do), but we never see each other. We never call up each other to chat. We never make plans to hang out. It's as though we have been demoted back to simple acquaintances.
So anyways, I have maybe 10 people that I actually get together with to spend time with on a regular basis. There are a few people that I do not see on a regular basis, but we are still able to get together and reconnect as though it hasn't been forever and a day. (Brief shout out to these folks. I assume you know who you are. I appreciate you.) However, there are about 10 folks that I will actually try to get in touch with to hang out on any given occasion.
Now I feel like I am losing one of the most important of those people. I broke it off this Sunday and we haven't spoke since. I know it's only been two days, but when someone has been part of your life every single day for the past three and a half years, the prospect of a more permanent separation is terribly frightening. My problem is...do I give in to my constant urges to get in touch and try to make amends (even though from what I've been told I said Sunday night, I'm not sure I'd even be given the time of day), or do I tough it out?
And all the babble about a shortage of friends above is really not the root of this issue. I fear it is much deeper. I fear that I am incapable of loving, receiving love, or both. And because of this, I may be driving away something great. Something that everyone looks for. We had our hard times, but is it possible to work through things? Or are there some situations that just can't be fixed? Do commonalities need to exist on a material level for longterm coexistence? Is it possible for two people who ask if they have anything in common to still remain happy together?
And as I ask these questions, I feel absolutely stupid for them. Because we wouldn't have gotten this far with nothing in common. Which leads me back to thinking I am just incapable of love, etc. Which would also probably shed light on some promiscuity problems that I struggle with.
Sometimes, I think that I am searching for the wrong type of connection. Like maybe I'm trying to fill a void with something physical even though the void is itself mental.
Everything used to be great. Where did it go sour?
Was it the extended separation of four months? Was it getting used to having no one that has made it impossible for me to regain the emotional attachment that used to be there?
An interesting thought has just occurred to me, and it connects well with my initial discussion on friendship.
As most of you know, I moved around a lot as a child. I had attended 10 different schools from kindergarten to the end of high school. I've often thought about the connection of the constant flux of my childhood with my lack of skill in the friendship/relationship department.
I had a discussion with a friend of mine who had a similar situation and where I became extremely introverted, she became extremely extroverted.
Anyways, I did well enough making at least a friend or two in each of these schools and different neighborhoods, but eventually we always left. I had to say goodbye and detach myself from everything I knew and start fresh somewhere new.
People always talk about how they miss me when I have an extended absence, and I always feel obligated to respond in kind. Most of the time, I don't mean it. This sounds harsh, but it is not meant to be. I believe that my childhood has taught/conditioned me to have an apathetic response to departures and separations. Perhaps apathetic is the wrong word...I have learned how to get by when I have no one. I may not be very happy about it, but I can do it. (I know that if I don't try to mend my current situation, I will be okay eventually.) I have gotten used to people leaving, bottom line. My normal response to people leaving is to not dwell on their absence (which would inspire feelings of loneliness, in turn creating a feeling of "missing" that person) and to figure out how best to go about my life without them. It is almost as though I am preparing myself to never see them again.
Maybe this is why a four month separation could cause a fundamental change in my feelings about a person to the point that I am no longer satisfied. And if that is the case, aren't I making the wrong decision?
Or is something else wrong with me? Some equally effective "disability" that is keeping me from being happy? Is it a fear of abandonment? That would make a lot of sense. I'm afraid to let anyone too close, so that when they eventually do leave me, I will able to use my same strategy for dealing with loss.
And is it linked to the numbness I feel at inappropriate times. (e.g. my dad's situation and the following apathy on my part to the whole situation)
I really wanted this post to help (and hopefully unloading here has done enough to allow me to get to sleep).
I need to be getting to/attempt to sleep now. I have class in seven hours.
Thanks for being here for me. Thanks for giving me this space to think. Maybe my answers will come to me in my sleep. They say that if you are thinking of a problem before sleep, your unconscious can help you work through the problem and even assist in finding a solution through the use of dreams.
We shall see.
(I don't really want to put a "slice of life" in right now, but maybe I'll come back and edit in something. Or just give two on my next post.)
Monday, January 10, 2011
On Decisions
It's really too bad that we can't know the outcomes of our decisions before we make them. It makes it really hard to do the right thing because often times you don't necessarily know what the right thing is. When you decide to do something, you just have to grit your teeth and bear any consequences that come along. And that sucks.
And what about the internal strife that arises while you wonder if you have done the right thing or not? What about the hours spent thinking about whether or not you should try and turn around? Now I know that that there is no use really asking these questions or bothering to complain about the unforeseeable future. But I can't say that I care. Because this is what is on my mind right now and I can't seem to think about anything else. I've tried. Nothing seems to help.
And it doesn't help that I'm feeling really shitty physically either.
I just don't understand. What is wrong with me?
And I'm not really in the mood to do much more than this, so here's a book I suggest reading:
I'm rereading it now. It's good.
And what about the internal strife that arises while you wonder if you have done the right thing or not? What about the hours spent thinking about whether or not you should try and turn around? Now I know that that there is no use really asking these questions or bothering to complain about the unforeseeable future. But I can't say that I care. Because this is what is on my mind right now and I can't seem to think about anything else. I've tried. Nothing seems to help.
And it doesn't help that I'm feeling really shitty physically either.
I just don't understand. What is wrong with me?
And I'm not really in the mood to do much more than this, so here's a book I suggest reading:
I'm rereading it now. It's good.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
What Does One Do When Awake Into the Wee Hours of the Morning, and A Necessary Posting Since It Has Been a Few Days
I would like to start off saying that I am thoroughly impressed with my last post. The evening took a turn (whether for the worst or the best I do not know) and I had forgotten I made that post before bed. Oops! And only one spelling error! (Corrected. ;) )
I ended up listening to my iPod for a bit and dancing around in the basement. I admit I was singing, so I felt the basement was the most appropriate as everyone else was sleeping. I try to be a conscientious person. We also have a dart board in the basement, which to my dismay, beat me in every game even on its lowest setting. Stupid thing...then I was whipping darts at it and it relieved my frustration. I feel obligated to admit that the Bacardi made its way downstairs with me. So maybe that will explain some things.
As for today, it is now almost three in the morning and I am wide awake. I've been bouncing back and forth between sleeping and staying awake all night, and the most recent decision has been staying awake. At this point, I'm pretty sure that I am going to be awake. After all, I have to wake up in three hours if I do go to sleep. So here I am, and I decided that what better to pass the time but to post on the good old blog (is it really old?)...maybe good new blog and as a bonus, I break my streak of not posting. I really do like having this and sharing thoughts with all of you, and hope to not let it get away from me.
I've been trying to thing of some profound topic to discuss this evening, but can't seem to think of anything at all. My life has been anything but profound the last couple days. With school still yet to begin (my last semester; woohoo!) all I have to worry about is work from 3-630pm a day. Except today, when I have a stupid, pointless shift from 7-9am. If I didn't have to worry about that, I'd be going to bed in about an hour and sleeping until about 12/1-ish and doing it all again. I'm thinking though that this is the perfect opportunity to reset my sleep schedule.
As you know, I have been staying up until obscene hours (by most standards) during my whole break and school starts Monday. I have again submitted myself to an 8:30am class everyday (but Thursday! Thanks calc 3 for only meeting four days a week), and as such I need to be on a better sleep schedule than I am now.
Now I don't know if my plan will work because I don't know if you can reset a sleep schedule by not sleeping, but this is what I'm trying. My theory is that if I stay up, maybe take a nap during the day, I will be tired enough to go to bed a decent time tonight and wake up at a decent time tomorrow. (This is getting difficult because I keep forgetting that today is Wednesday. I tend to hold onto the day until I go to sleep.) Now in theory, this should be absolutely wonderful. I'll be up by 10am at the latest on Thursday, at least a step closer to being up for an 830 class. We shall see.
As I really have nothing else to discuss, I'll move onto the final segment of this post. This time it was a tough one. I wanted to share a few things, but since I brought it up last post, I would like to share a bit of my childhood/present:
OMG! This movie is freakin' HILARIOUS!!! I absolutely love it. Whoopi does an amazing job as leading lady and according to a comment I saw on YouTube, it was her first leading role. Not sure if that's true, but it doesn't really matter. It's absolutely amazing. In fact, I'm thinking of watching it again (watched it yesterday at work). I'm not sure what to say to get you to watch it, so I'll settle for...WATCH IT!!! Trust me. If you like comedy, you'll like this. And if you don't, we can't be friends.
Another film to check out is "The Golden Child" with Eddie Murphy. I feel like sharing laughter with everyone tonight! :)
Until next time, kiss kiss hug hug.
(And I don't know why adding the big "Watch It" distorts the spacing after it, but you can deal...right?)
I ended up listening to my iPod for a bit and dancing around in the basement. I admit I was singing, so I felt the basement was the most appropriate as everyone else was sleeping. I try to be a conscientious person. We also have a dart board in the basement, which to my dismay, beat me in every game even on its lowest setting. Stupid thing...then I was whipping darts at it and it relieved my frustration. I feel obligated to admit that the Bacardi made its way downstairs with me. So maybe that will explain some things.
As for today, it is now almost three in the morning and I am wide awake. I've been bouncing back and forth between sleeping and staying awake all night, and the most recent decision has been staying awake. At this point, I'm pretty sure that I am going to be awake. After all, I have to wake up in three hours if I do go to sleep. So here I am, and I decided that what better to pass the time but to post on the good old blog (is it really old?)...maybe good new blog and as a bonus, I break my streak of not posting. I really do like having this and sharing thoughts with all of you, and hope to not let it get away from me.
I've been trying to thing of some profound topic to discuss this evening, but can't seem to think of anything at all. My life has been anything but profound the last couple days. With school still yet to begin (my last semester; woohoo!) all I have to worry about is work from 3-630pm a day. Except today, when I have a stupid, pointless shift from 7-9am. If I didn't have to worry about that, I'd be going to bed in about an hour and sleeping until about 12/1-ish and doing it all again. I'm thinking though that this is the perfect opportunity to reset my sleep schedule.
As you know, I have been staying up until obscene hours (by most standards) during my whole break and school starts Monday. I have again submitted myself to an 8:30am class everyday (but Thursday! Thanks calc 3 for only meeting four days a week), and as such I need to be on a better sleep schedule than I am now.
Now I don't know if my plan will work because I don't know if you can reset a sleep schedule by not sleeping, but this is what I'm trying. My theory is that if I stay up, maybe take a nap during the day, I will be tired enough to go to bed a decent time tonight and wake up at a decent time tomorrow. (This is getting difficult because I keep forgetting that today is Wednesday. I tend to hold onto the day until I go to sleep.) Now in theory, this should be absolutely wonderful. I'll be up by 10am at the latest on Thursday, at least a step closer to being up for an 830 class. We shall see.
As I really have nothing else to discuss, I'll move onto the final segment of this post. This time it was a tough one. I wanted to share a few things, but since I brought it up last post, I would like to share a bit of my childhood/present:
Another film to check out is "The Golden Child" with Eddie Murphy. I feel like sharing laughter with everyone tonight! :)
Until next time, kiss kiss hug hug.
(And I don't know why adding the big "Watch It" distorts the spacing after it, but you can deal...right?)
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