Needing Advice

Hello all. As the title of this blog states, I am hoping for connection. Now I don't know that I have ever really thought about what that means. Events of this past weekend have left me feeling empty and the phrase "hoping for connection" really seems to be resonating with me.

I am not the type of person that makes friends very easily. I'm not really sure why this is although I have spent plenty of time theorizing about it. I've gone from just believe myself an antisocial git to the other end of the spectrum thinking myself to be too pretentious to get along with most people. Here are my latest thoughts: I've been telling my friends that I've decided I just don't like people. Which isn't entirely true. Let me rephrase. I don't like most people. If we are to become friends, you have to have that certain something that seems to call out to me. With most people, I am generally very shy. I don't know how to converse with people in a normal setting without feeling extremely awkward, even though I may not show it. In fact, in most cases, I am spending most of the conversation trying to bring things to a close and escape the interaction. In a way, it's like an extreme case of "stranger danger," except it extends to anyone that I am not completely comfortable with.

I wonder why I can't be comfortable around people. Couldn't tell you.

The point is that I don't have very many friends. And of the friends I have managed to make, it have failed to retain a great many of them. Oh, we still consider ourselves to be friends (or at least I do), but we never see each other. We never call up each other to chat. We never make plans to hang out. It's as though we have been demoted back to simple acquaintances.

So anyways, I have maybe 10 people that I actually get together with to spend time with on a regular basis. There are a few people that I do not see on a regular basis, but we are still able to get together and reconnect as though it hasn't been forever and a day. (Brief shout out to these folks. I assume you know who you are. I appreciate you.) However, there are about 10 folks that I will actually try to get in touch with to hang out on any given occasion.

Now I feel like I am losing one of the most important of those people. I broke it off this Sunday and we haven't spoke since. I know it's only been two days, but when someone has been part of your life every single day for the past three and a half years, the prospect of a more permanent separation is terribly frightening. My problem is...do I give in to my constant urges to get in touch and try to make amends (even though from what I've been told I said Sunday night, I'm not sure I'd even be given the time of day), or do I tough it out?

And all the babble about a shortage of friends above is really not the root of this issue. I fear it is much deeper. I fear that I am incapable of loving, receiving love, or both. And because of this, I may be driving away something great. Something that everyone looks for. We had our hard times, but is it possible to work through things? Or are there some situations that just can't be fixed? Do commonalities need to exist on a material level for longterm coexistence? Is it possible for two people who ask if they have anything in common to still remain happy together?

And as I ask these questions, I feel absolutely stupid for them. Because we wouldn't have gotten this far with nothing in common. Which leads me back to thinking I am just incapable of love, etc. Which would also probably shed light on some promiscuity problems that I struggle with.

Sometimes, I think that I am searching for the wrong type of connection. Like maybe I'm trying to fill a void with something physical even though the void is itself mental.

Everything used to be great. Where did it go sour?

Was it the extended separation of four months? Was it getting used to having no one that has made it impossible for me to regain the emotional attachment that used to be there?

An interesting thought has just occurred to me, and it connects well with my initial discussion on friendship.

As most of you know, I moved around a lot as a child. I had attended 10 different schools from kindergarten to the end of high school. I've often thought about the connection of the constant flux of my childhood with my lack of skill in the friendship/relationship department.

I had a discussion with a friend of mine who had a similar situation and where I became extremely introverted, she became extremely extroverted.

Anyways, I did well enough making at least a friend or two in each of these schools and different neighborhoods, but eventually we always left. I had to say goodbye and detach myself from everything I knew and start fresh somewhere new.

People always talk about how they miss me when I have an extended absence, and I always feel obligated to respond in kind. Most of the time, I don't mean it. This sounds harsh, but it is not meant to be. I believe that my childhood has taught/conditioned me to have an apathetic response to departures and separations. Perhaps apathetic is the wrong word...I have learned how to get by when I have no one. I may not be very happy about it, but I can do it. (I know that if I don't try to mend my current situation, I will be okay eventually.) I have gotten used to people leaving, bottom line. My normal response to people leaving is to not dwell on their absence (which would inspire feelings of loneliness, in turn creating a feeling of "missing" that person) and to figure out how best to go about my life without them. It is almost as though I am preparing myself to never see them again.

Maybe this is why a four month separation could cause a fundamental change in my feelings about a person to the point that I am no longer satisfied. And if that is the case, aren't I making the wrong decision?

Or is something else wrong with me? Some equally effective "disability" that is keeping me from being happy? Is it a fear of abandonment? That would make a lot of sense. I'm afraid to let anyone too close, so that when they eventually do leave me, I will able to use my same strategy for dealing with loss.

And is it linked to the numbness I feel at inappropriate times. (e.g. my dad's situation and the following apathy on my part to the whole situation)

I really wanted this post to help (and hopefully unloading here has done enough to allow me to get to sleep).

I need to be getting to/attempt to sleep now. I have class in seven hours.

Thanks for being here for me. Thanks for giving me this space to think. Maybe my answers will come to me in my sleep. They say that if you are thinking of a problem before sleep, your unconscious can help you work through the problem and even assist in finding a solution through the use of dreams.

We shall see.

(I don't really want to put a "slice of life" in right now, but maybe I'll come back and edit in something. Or just give two on my next post.)